i never said i was a writer. and i don't really even have much desire to write. i grew up watching tv throughout my entire childhood up until when the internet hit big. i never read books for entertainment and i still don't. i will read text books though and some fictional for research. since i did not grow up reading, that puts me at a disadvantage when it comes to writing. so don't expect miracles. i try to express myself clearly and plainly. i was not even brought up conversing with a lot of people since i was mostly in my room or silent so there again i am at a disadvantage at expressing myself.

so then who am i and why am i here and why am i writing? what makes me try and reach out to you the internet folk? we as humans are all very similar and we all have that need to belong to something. i never felt that i belonged. not to a family, not to a group of friends, not to an ethnic group, not to a team, and so on and so on. where is my place i wondered. when i was younger i figured that i must not be meant to live much longer since there was no place for me. even the so-called outcasts and freaks in school had their groups. everyone else fit into some group but since i didn't that must mean that i was never meant to grow into adulthood. i do not believe in that sort of pre-destination anymore though. so this is why i am here. to find my group. maybe there are people among the millions of internet users who are just like me. since we all are so similar as humans it would make sense that they are out there. maybe small in number but they should exist.

yes this is starting to sound like little orphan annie... "Maybe far away Or maybe real nearby. He may be pouring her coffee. She may be straightening this tie.... Betcha they're young. Betcha they're smart. Bet they collect things Like ashtrays, and art!"

i don't like "hoping". if it isn't there and tangible then i don't have use for it. i won't believe it until i see it so i won't be comforted by thinking that "maybe" others like me are out there. i once posted essays somewhere and most responded negatively but a couple didn't. i never heard from them beyond that though. i have chatted in chat rooms and after angering a lot of them a few people will be interested. they haven't been what i was looking for though. for your information, some people find me quite amusing and/or interesting when i "chat". it hasn't really come across on things i have written here though incase you are thinking "yeah right!".

and yes you could say i am a little bitter over my lack of belonging. it hard to be a human that has been alone for so long. even in less than ideal situations, the comfort of your group makes it bearable. i didn't have that support structure. i had no one.

but hey maybe you're out there. maybe you're searching too. i haven't thought much beyond just finding you all though. maybe we'd just be comforted by the fact that each other exists. i'll see when i cross that bridge.

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