school shooters are just regular kids pushed to the limit. take any animal and threateningly back it into a corner and it will attack. we all have that potential. given the same set of circumstances we all act pretty much the same. give an immature, frightened, and hateful person a gun and you can bet that the trigger will get pulled eventually.

as humans, we are born to kill but this doesn't mean we have to. unfortunately for those that want to live "killing-free", our society still fosters a high tension atmosphere that breeds killers. you can't look at the killers and think "look at those bad people, i'd never do anything like that. they are abnormal because they kill. what went wrong with them?". it was your society that failed. you are the problem, not the killer. what did you, the educated member of this society, do to foster a non-killing atmosphere in your society. also, you may have done the same thing given the exact same circumstances. humans are born to be human, which means they will kill like any animal when pushed to it. it is up to society to train humans to behave how they want them to behave. if you want humans not to kill then you have to train them and it is societies fault when people go untrained. society is creating volatile situations by not adequately training people as well as fostering a hostile atmosphere that makes even semi-trained people revert back to their animal instincts.

i don't play many "video games". i don't own any of those fancy new console game stations. any games i do play are for the computer. the ones i gravitate towards are helicopter simulations (ones with missiles and radars and such) and strategy ones where you end up ruling the world by the end. in the strategy ones, i like the feeling of power i get when i rise up from being picked on by the other nations in the beginning. by the end, i have developed large and technologically advanced armies and i severely crush my enemies into non-existence by utilizing the might of those armies. i leave a wake of utter devastation and destruction to teach those pitiful nations what it means to toy with me. my blood lust is satiated only when i am advised that the nation has been wiped out. but this lasts only for a moment as my next thoughts are to conquer all who remain. even those that did me no wrong are no longer safe. i developed the taste for blood and i must have more until i am the supreme ruler of them all. and so on with my campaign until i am the ultimate ruler of the world.

do you see what is going on there? do you see how easy it is for humans to have the feelings of an evil tyrant hell bent on world domination? i know some of you never experienced these feelings but for males i can almost guarantee that they are in you. they may lie dormant for now but they would surface if given the opportunity. yes they can be suppressed but they still exist inside of you. but that is only a game you say? you play it and see if you don't feel the emotion build up inside of you. that emotion is a sign that your blood lust is real. all ancient literature talks about entire cites being massacred as a matter of course. the bible talks about it, ancient greek literature talks about it, etc. it was common to destroy entire bloodlines and cities and peoples so that their existence would be wiped from the face of the planet. people like to dole out punishment.

so you want to know about being a human being? do you want me to sum it up in one word? the word is... "evolution". it is why we are here and it is why we think and act the way we do. "evolution" is your starting point for learning about yourself and your species and every other species for that matter.

yes i know people don't like "advice" or to be told how to live their lives. i'd gladly do it more often if they did enjoy a bit of advice now and again. i mean, yes you can advise people but you can't be blunt about it. usually the best way is to make it about you and not them. tell them about a similar problem that you had and how you resolved it. they don't appreciate "you did this wrong and you did that wrong so now do it like how i'm telling you to do it". they more so appreciate "yeah i knew this person and we had a conflict and this is how we resolved it". not only are you advising them but you are also sharing a bond of similar experience as well as showing them that they are not alone in having that experience.

okay i feel a little obliged to mention that there are handful of canadians reading this. now don't get me wrong, i have a father that was born and raised in canada so i'm down with that.

what is funny to me though is that most if not all of them are from prince edward island. "pei" as it is commonly referred to. it is funny to me because my friend's favorite books of all time are the anne of green gables series by L.M. Montgomery who of course wrote about the fictional tales of anne's and other's lives in pei. and to add to that, she recently had a professor that was from pei who told the class a true story about a dog that waited at a railroad station for someone at war to come home and then ran away when that person died in the war. or something like that. and the story was even mentioned in one of the L.M. Montgomery books. my friend immediately recognized the story from one of the books when the professor told it.

so there you go. that is my little link to pei.

umm here is one from the ancient files of MyHardDrivia... because i need to go to bed now. oh umm wait, no it's because it is a special piece just for you... yeah that's it...

written way back on 8/2/96... just a slice of life... and remember this was written almost 6 years ago...

All right...you know what it's all about? Why people should think twice about "fooling around" with other people that they don't intend on spending most of their lives with? Its all about being faithful and loyal to your eventual love mate (husband, wife, etc.) Faithful to someone you don't even know exists you say? Well I think most people have the idea that they will eventually get into a permanent relationship with another person. So in a sense, it's a given that you'll eventually end up in a long term relationship. This then, means that since you will eventually end up with that person who is to become your love mate, that you are basically linked with them early on even before you meet because the union will eventually happen. There is another part to it too. It deals with the golden rule of "nothing is for free". So what if you do decide to continually "fool around" with other people? First off, the obvious, is diseases which are things that never leave your system but are in kept in there pretty much for life. These are mono, genital herpes, aids, etc. Not only will the symptoms get you but the mental strain you get from the thought of having them and what you did to yourself. And even if you scrape by and don't get a disease there is another aspect. And that deals with keeping things fresh and special for the one person you do eventually end up with. Will it hamper the bond that is to made? Don't unique experiences with someone bring about a special bond? Even making out with someone has its toll. I have heard interviews with hookers and porn stars who don't kiss during their work because they consider kissing too personal and only do it with people they are in relationships with. I even read in a book how kissing was more of an intimate thing than intercourse because kissing was a mental thing with no direct sexual release like intercourse which is more of an animal thing. That kissing is very personal and intimate shows that it should not be done frivolously just as sex should not be done frivolously. Nothing is without its price.

sad people should not be friends with one another. you will wallow in each other's sadness. if you were a real friend you would make the extra effort to lift your friend out from their pit of despair. take all that energy you're putting into being sad with them and use it to help. and the other person should be a real friend and accept the hand up. help one another and stop being so self involved.

the easiest way to help is to be an example... don't be sad. and when talking to them you don't have to go over every pitiful detail of why they are sad. talking about it will make them and you sadder. get the main idea if you want and then release it. forget about it. it's gone. and don't stuff it under a rug... accept that it happened and forget about it.

sadness is like a drug. you'll get addicted to the strong pain and emotion it brings. it's almost exciting. it surges through you and you can feel it. use your friends as a distraction from it, not as a way to stimulate it. don't be so self-centered and manipulative. think about how your sadness will make them sad. don't use them to get sympathy and attention either. oh i know your tricks. you hurt those around you to get what you want.

i will say it again... sadness is for the self-centered and the self-important. try caring about someone else for a change and you'll see that you like that feeling even better.

i was just told a story about a man and a woman. they are a "couple". and what is so amusing is a truth about men and women and their interactions. it seems to be that men do things for women and say things to them which are totally misinterpreted by the women as sweet and nice. the men are purely manipulative and have ulterior motives but the women see these things as sweet and wonderful. it is funny to think about how men and women are on two completely different tracks but sometimes, due to luck, the tracks cross. if not for misinterpretations, we would never be together. but you can imagine what would happen if women saw through all this... there would be no more mating. so you see, the women who could see through all this died off with no offspring to carry on their genes.

me me me it's all about meeee. don't you get it? even though it's not directly about me, it really is still about me. meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. memememememememe me. did someone say "center of the universe"? over here!! it is meeeee. what does the world revolve around? memememememe meeeeeeeeee!! oh well, i am off to have another thought about how self important i am. don't you just love when it's about me? i know i love it. meee glorious meeeee. how come more people aren't writing about me? this is a sad fact that people must rectify. if only they knew more about me they would surely include me in most every thought they had. i really do feel a bit of pity for them... weep. sniffle. if only they knew me....

don't deal with anger by trying to "let it all out" and expressing it. it will just stay longer and create more. release the anger by letting go of it. take a step back and realize its futility and the harm that it is causing you. it feels bad and it is bad. release it and let it go. deeeeep breathe. and agaaaiiin.

you'll get angry at times but don't stay angry. you'll get over it eventually right? well just decide to save yourself the pain and get over it immediately.

come in. take a seat. i have something to say to you. no no sit down this won't take long. now i know you think i've been a bit hard on you lately. well okay a "lot" hard on you. but you have to realize that it is because i care about you. you are special and you mean a lot to me. look i know we have had our rough times together but i have realized something. i realized that you and me... we're inseparable. we belong together. it just wouldn't work for each of us to go our own separate ways. and those rough spots even show that things get better eventually. they are jagged with not only their low valleys but also with their high peaks. we just need to smooth it out a little so that our lows aren't so low. our highs won't be as high but that will be less of a peak to fall from. so look, we can do this... you and me. come on, we can at least give it a try. you think about it and i think you'll see where i'm coming from. okay you can leave now but remember that i care about you and i want you to think about this. lets do this. lets be for each other what we couldn't be before. and lets be friends.

do not try to live everything for yourself. that is what history is for. use it. you will not get anywhere by starting from scratch. learn from other's mistakes and build on top of that foundation.

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this one's for the little people.

justice. you mutha f'ers wouldn't know it if it was the central theme of a mel gibson movie. sure it's some made-up fairy tale but stranger things have been dreamed-up by the mind of man and come to life. your blood soaked flesh searing at the touch of the flaming sword that unstrings you, the scales of justice crashing upon your deceitful skull filled with the rotting mass of putrefying gray matter, your dark heart torn out of your chest with a single grab... what is so fanciful about that? to dream it, is to plant the seed and you water that seed with every transgression you enact against the innocent. and sprout it will, until you are engulfed by the roots and your acts of injustice are suffocated with your last breath.
---------------------------------

ahem. now that i have that out. you should realize that as humans we love to punish. it is innate in us and we love to dole it out. we like to hurt the bad for doing wrong to the good. the dilemma in that though, is who is to say who is "good" and who is "bad" and what "wrong" even is. and god forbid we wrongly punish the innocent. should we then not be struck down by the hand of justice ourselves?

does a trial, run by those with their own agendas, justify the conviction of the innocent? who is to make sure the trial is fair? an appeals court? should the trial be on trial? and should that trial be on trial? by the time the trials end, the innocent one died in a lonely prison cell of old age. the legal system is a mockery of what we are taught justice is. yeah and let's throw people in a locked pit and have them fight it out for years and then let them loose on the crowd. yeah prison works. isn't that a sign that we are just too big, that all our public policies are thoroughly inept and unmanageable? when you have something so unwieldy what do you do to tackle it? you break it down into bite-sized chunks and handle those.

i'm ashamed of you humans right now. i think you should go sit over there and think about what you've done. do you hear me? NOW mister.

i have seen members of the opposite sex and at first sight i have thought "i know this person can understand me and we would fit so perfectly together and the beauty of this person is overwhelming. if only i could talk to this person we would unite in a bond of love. and it is a real love that will last forever."

then i slap myself back to reality and say "you moron, that is a 100,000 years of human evolution driving you to be attracted to this person on top of millions of years of pre-human evolution before that. you have no idea what you have in common with this person beyond the whole air-breathing, food eating, bi-pedal-upright-walking thing. as far as you know, this person may eat kittens for breakfast and kill ducklings for sport but you think just because this person's appearance sets off a primordial spark within yourself that you are magically joined? you stupid f' get a grip on yourself. you were born an animal but that doesn't mean you have to act the part. damn your instincts for beauty because they will always set your heart aflame when it crosses your path. it is up to you to restrain this instinct because it will mislead you always." and then i go back to being me again.

you should realize no matter what relationship you are in or aren't in, you will get these feelings of attraction and desire. realize that they are part of being a human. you shouldn't really feel disgusted with yourself for having them because they are as natural as breathing. you can only restrain them once they arrive. when you can feel disgusted with yourself is when you believe these feelings and fall for their lies.

we are conceited because those ancestors that were conceited looked better by tending to their appearance all the time and hence mated more.

by using google.co.uk someone arrived at this site by using the search words:
'shaving trimming patterns "pubic hair"'

it is the number one entry of thirty-eight.
Here it is.

sometimes i think i'm done. i think "what else is left? nothing." i never grew up having a lot of goals. i've done what i wanted to do and now i'm just coasting through without any goal to head towards. i wonder if male humans really do need to battle and kill and rule mighty kingdoms to feel fulfilled. do male humans require excitement in their lives? is that an adaptation of being human? nah. it is just hard to do anything without set goals.

try walking to no place in particular and you will get bored. then try walking in order to reach the apex of a hill. you will feel motivated to reach that apex but you will feel no motivation to walk to nowhere in particular. it is so much easier to do things when you have a goal to meet. if you say "i'll finish this paper by the time class starts tomorrow" you will rush and try your darndest. try and write that paper long before it's due without setting a goal and you'll take a lot longer to write it. you need goals or else things just get put off.

so what goals should you be setting for yourself in your own life? it is hard for some of us to have the self discipline to follow the goals we set for ourselves. many of us will get frustrated and say "forget it, it didn't matter anyway." or "well i can always do it later". we really should be taught as children about setting and sticking to goals. but what goals should we be setting anyway? well that is something for us all to think about tonight.

i was looking at a poll on a web site that is read mainly by "geeks". the poll was "I wish I was better at..." and the top response was "romance" said by over 7000 people. at a close second was computer "programming".

The sun is setting and leaves are falling to the ground. Rose is outside sitting indian-style on fallen leaves. A shout comes from inside the house from her husband. "Rose!" he shouts, "I can't find some important files-- our statements of net worth!" She turns around to look his way and shouts back "Look in the shoe box wrapped in gold ribbon under the bed!" Looking through the contents of the shoe box he retrieved from under the bed, Rose's husband says to himself, "These aren't statements of net worth, these are our old..." And in quiet realization he finishes his statement with "...love letters." Sitting outside with his arms wrapped around her, Rose asks, "Find what you needed?" "Your directions were perfect!" he replied as he was embracing her.

--my summation of the comic strip Rose is Rose of 9/22/96.

in honor of my system coming back online, i will post something from the ancient archives that were stored on the hard drive that survived. here is a short inspirational piece written way back on August 2, 1996.

Man, as far as his physical strength and the value of that strength goes, is quite pitiful. Can man's strength enable him to travel the great speeds of the cheetah? Does man's physical strength give him the quickness of the rattle snake? Can man hunt with just his speed and his teeth as does the mighty tiger? Unlike most animals, can man dig a burrow or hole without the use of tools? Unlike the great grizzely bear, can man smash apart its cub into remnants of limbs with a single blow? Can he fish the water such as the polar or brown bear does without the use of tools? Can he topple trees with a single push like that of the elephant? Can man carry many times his own weight as the ant does? Man, unlike the rest, must use tools in order to accomplish what these animals can do naturally. It is pitiful and very disturbing to see, on an actual videotape, a man being trampled by an out of control elephant. The man's body is kicked around like it was a mere rag doll. It gave no resistance to the strength of the elephant. It just flopped around as if it were weightless. It just shows how weak man really is. So if man is so physically pitiful, how did he become the master of all these physically superior animals? Man can think. So were is true power? Power lies in one's ability to think. With his powerful mind, man can move his body many times faster than the cheetah with the aid of his inventions. With his manufactured weapons, man can hunt all animals. With his machines, man can dig the deepest and biggest holes and clear entire forrests and build the biggest homes. The bird, with its physical body sores high into the sky. Man, through using his mind, flies through SPACE! The mind of man is his might.

For those of you who will say that depression is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain here is your answer.

i can sit and make myself get angry until i feel it surging through my system. i can feel the adrenaline flow. i can feel my heart beat faster. i can also sit and meditate until my heart rate lowers. i can stop tears by catching myself in the moment and then smile over how silly i am. i can feel so depressed to the point of physical pain in the chest that i want to put a plastic bag around my head with a rubber band around where it would cover my neck and in the next minute catch myself thinking about these things and laugh at myself from the outside looking in.

the point of all this is of course that you can heavily influence your body. i would be willing to put up large sums of money that i could cause a "chemical imbalance" in my brain by making myself depressed. and i will also bet that i can come out of it so that an "imbalance" no longer exists. just as you can psych up yourself before an athletic event and get your heart rate up and adrenaline pumping, you can also cause a chemical imbalance in your brain by thinking depressing thoughts. if you can stop those thoughts you will stop that imbalance.

someone arived at this site through a search on google.com for Big breasted cat.

it's result 4 out of 4.

with most humans you can tell when they are lying if you can see them. they will look away. they might blink excessively. they may fidget with their hands. remember that we are simple little programmed organisms that react to stimuli in a predictable manner.

keeping it short this night as i had a hard drive failure. damn ibm 75 gxp failure. the whole line of those drives was damaged goods. this is the second one i had that failed. i bought 3 at the same time before all the news about them having serious failure problems came out. just ordered 2 drives from a different manufacturer. one to replace the dead one and one to replace the last working one because it is destined to fail. the one still working is my data drive but i had recently backed up the important stuff from it anyway. the boot drive is what died and so i am on an older computer now. i will have to reinstall the operating systems (win98, win2000, and i'll probably leave linux out til i get around to it later) and the programs and upgrades and service packs just so you know. the drives should be here tomorrow though. i selected next day shipping.

yeah so umm not much to do now since all my files are on the other computer and i can't access them til tomorrow. hmm yeah sooo.... hey so umm what's new with you eh? uh-huh. yeah.... sooo.... well maybe i'll go to bed or something. so umm yeah i'll see you later.... have a nice night or something....

and another thing about depression... it is a totally self-centered thing. all of you get sooo consumed with yourselves. you think you live in a universe in which you are the sole center. and something happens to you, you think the whole universe is out of whack. just accept that the universe does not revolve around you and that you are not the only person that bad things happen to.stop thinking of yourself as so bloody important. you just need to think about something other than yourself all the time. sound reasonable?

there is no reason to re-live the pain that so many before you lived. learn from their mistakes. and stop being consumed with yourself.

this is to you, oh depressed human.

SMACK!! now smarten up stupid!! tough love? think of it more as beat-your-ass-bloody love. damn if i haven't sat around all depressed at times or had very depressing periods in my life. and damn me for doing so. i know better but i still get lost in it at times. but you know what? it's nonsense. it's stupidity.

what bit of difference does it make to sit around all pitifully sad in a pool of my own sorrow or to sit around in an okay mood doing something i enjoy? IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE. i could go ahead and mope all my life away but why on earth choose the pitifully sad option when i could just as easily choose the mellow and the almost, if not happy, option? it IS that easy to not be sad and depressed. it has been done before and you can do it too.

god damn if you people are not the easiest things in the world to train and manipulate. you can now use those qualities to your advantage!! yes that's right... for just 4 easy payments of 19.95 you too can learn to manipulate yourself [batteries not included. CA, NY, AZ residents please include applicable sales tax].

do you know, once when i was younger i was on a farm up in the country of canada and i received some rope burns on my hands when i was holding the rope of a cow that i had to keep still for some reason. my hands hurt a lot. at least a half an hour went by and they still hurt really bad. i then said to myself that i am sick of sitting here in pain and i told it to stop and it did. i believed it and it went away. a similar story a few years later... i was very sick which is unusual for me. i was in bed all tired and drained. the sickness was just going on and on. and you know what? i got fed up with it. i said damn you to hell you will control me no longer. and i got out of bed and fought my fatigue until it finally left and i felt better after that. you are THAT easy to manipulate. pain is just a signal that something is wrong. once that signal is received you can turn it off if you'd like. initial pain can't be avoided and shouldn't be because it is a warning. but prolonged and constant pain is a mental thing. it can be turned off.

here is your proof. my simple little stories for one. another are those martial artists or monks that sit in icy water for hours to prove themselves. sure it hurt when they got in but they turned it off after that. there are many other similar acts that people do to prove themselves by engaging in things that cause a prolonged and constant pain but they manipulate themselves into not feeling it anymore. a lot of people suffer from back pain but what they don't realize is that for most of them their pain is really caused by mental stress. they just don't get the connection that their pain coincides with periods of mental duress. those type of people have been "cured" by just realizing that mental stress was the cause of their back pain and not some physical defect in their back. long term pain is mental.

you humans are so easy to manipulate so why not use that to your advantage now? decide that it is stupid to be depressed when you could instead be just as easily mellow. tell yourself that you will die no matter what route you travel but why choose the crappy route when you could have chosen the scenic one? why put yourself through it? become more accepting of what is around you. stop being so picky. change your perspective of what life is supposed to be about and how life works to a more realistic one. change your attitude. mellow the f' out. start to meditate.

and when a depressing thought pops into your head just tell it to go away. it is THAT easy. i have done it and it works. that stupid inner dialog of yours is what is causing all this trouble. it is telling you to be sad. shut it up and you will not be sad. i guarantee this. and above all, remain constantly vigilant. depressing thoughts creep in all the time. it is up to you to play goalie and block them at the door. meditation helps you to practice this.

and get a hobby that you enjoy and that gives you a feeling of accomplishment and that does not leave you feeling stressed out. you should notice that the most depressed people are the ones with most idle time on their hands.

realize that you are a little clump of cells living on a big rock that is hurtling through space around a gigantic fireball. you are nothing and your problems are even less than that. why not be a nothing that is not depressed? it is that easy and it is up to you.

human duality: whether to be animals or angels.

"okay i get it already!!" you say. "i get that we are but beasts masquerading as angels on earth believing ourselves to be of a pure and benign race of non-animals" you continue. "so now what??" you ask.

well we are sort of stuck in a sort of limbo. we live our lives caught between behaving like an animal and behaving like an angel. we all have both behaviors in us. should we drop one in favor of the other? should we strike a balance? what should we do?

the problem with striking a balance is that our animal behaviors are mostly the very opposite of angelic behaviors. our instincts give us anger, greed, self-centeredness, promiscuity, and murderous tendencies. how can we strike a balance between those natural tendencies and the angelic ones of sacrifice, monogamy, peacefulness, sharing, and willingness to put others' needs before our own?

you can see that it is very hard to have a society based in both sets of behaviors by looking at our own. it just isn't working.
-we have people exploiting one another left and right in order to fulfill their greedy tendencies. these very same people are then shocked when other people try to steal from them in order to fulfill their own greediness. our society says that it is alright to exploit people to attain wealth but only to a certain degree. the corporations are justified and doing "good" when they exploit but regular people are criminals and thieves when they do the exploiting.
-we are told that we shouldn't kill and that we should lead peaceful lives but when it comes time to beat down a protest, execute a prisoner, or to wage war we are told that we are doing the lords work and that he is on our side and wants us to kill thy enemy. it is only when we take killing into our own hands that we are considered violent animals.
-most of us pretend that it is easy to be faithful to one person in a relationship but we don't stop to realize all the times we stop and think "hmm yeah that person over there would do nicely right about now." most of us do not get the chance to be unfaithful and so we readily remain pure at heart. if more people had ample opportunity you would see the rate of unfaithfulness increase.
-we are all told that sharing is what we should do but then why do people hoard everything and build ridiculously large houses for a family of 4? they are not looked down upon as selfish but are instead admired by most of our society for being able to attain such wealth. what happened to sharing? why is the world so full of haves and have-nots if sharing is so valued?

so this idea of being angelic and still holding on to our animal instincts is not working. some people are trying to be as angelic as they can but they will only get taken advantage of by the more animalistic of us. and if we all revert back to living as animals and following our natural urges, we will probably kill each other off for a while and then group up for protection and then start this whole modern civilization thing all over again. we need to progress. the only thing we can do then, is to become more angelic and drop our animal behaviors. most every view of the future has us acting less and less like animals and even our history shows us acting less like animals as we progressed along.

we currently try to teach angelic values but it isn't working. we teach them from the perspective that we all start out good and end up bad. people get horribly confused when they then get bad feelings and now think that they must have turned bad. we should teach that we start out as animals and that it takes great amounts of learning and practice to suppress our animal instincts. we have to teach what exactly our instincts are and how to recognize them and how to then suppress them. we have no choice but to suppress our animal instincts if we want the peaceful and benign society that we are all taught to strive for. and if we do not suppress them then we will have the imbalance that we have today with the more animalistic taking advantage of the more angelic. face-it, your instincts make for a horrible society that feeds on itself.

we are killers. our ancestors were murderous brutes. the ones that survived into today were the best killers among them. today we have a murderous rage that lies dormant in all of us and not so dormant in many of us. every type of human be it child, woman, elderly, young adult, middle-aged adult has produced its share of killers.

we are hoarders. stocking up on food and supplies got our ancestors through rough times. the ones that did not hoard starved to death. we carry this legacy of hoarding on today and call it greed.

we are promiscuous.

our male ancestors that mated with more than one female had more offspring than the males that mated with only one female. this of course produced more children that were the result of promiscuity than children that were the result of monogamy. the children of the promiscuous father most likely inherited his promiscuity and produced even more promiscuous offspring. thus more and more humans would either mate with or be the result of a promiscuous human and would pass on that trait.

females are promiscuous because it allowed them to shack-up with a caring male that was a good provider while they had the baby of a more virile male that created stronger, better surviving, and more promiscuous offspring. a virile and promiscuous male would want to spread his seed around so he would not stay long to take care of his children or their mothers.

and yes females would have mated with caring males that were good providers. but the ones who did, produced children that were monogamous. the ones that cheated on their good provider and mated with promiscuous males had the better advantage. they had a good provider and promiscuous genes so their offspring were provided for and went off and produced more promiscuous offspring.

if you stepped in dog poo with your bare feet would you
a)take a piece of paper and give it three wipes and be satisfied?
b)use some water and rinse it off?

if you chose "a" then eww. if you more sensibly chose "b" then why do you chose "a" when it comes to cleaning off your own fecal matter? don't you find it a bit disgusting to wipe off your waste with dry paper and leave it at that? i guarantee that if anything was there that more will come off once you add water. using a couple moistened tissues at the very least is a more sensible idea than dry paper in removing fecal matter. even better would be a small jet of water aimed at the area until clean. with all our modern technology and indoor plumbing why do we still wipe ourselves with dry pieces of paper? i've heard of more primitive peoples using water to clean themselves off. why are we so backwards?

in the modern parts of japan they use a jet of water. where is our nice simple clean jet of water? due to this deficiency, i have taken matters of the fecal kind into my own hands and purchased a small tube at the Home Depot and a small angled pvc piece that i connect it to. i then take this portable device with me into the toilet room when needed. i applied a rubbery glue around the opening of the pvc piece where it connects to the faucet to create a semi-watertight seal and i slip it right on the faucet. i've been using this method of hygiene for a while now and it is far superior to wet or dry tissues. some companies sell an add-on toilet seat that has a water jet built in and even a heated seat. they are expensive though. a do-it-yourself project is the most cost effective way at this point until they become more mainstream.

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the previous generations of people are no better than the current ones. there is no "greatest generation". throughout history people have longed for the golden age that occurred during some previous generation. it never existed. people are just filtering out the bad things and remembering only the good.

the easiest argument against a "greatest generation" is that shouldn't they have produced the greatest children if they were so great? why do their child not carry on their greatness? why did the greatness die off? not being able to maintain your greatness does not sound so great to me. shouldn't the next generation be even greater than them since they have such a great foundation to build upon?

and as far as the WWII generation being so great and growing up during such a wonderful time lets review. the nuclear bomb which has the potential to destroy the world several times over was invented then. and how about the fact that there were major world wars at the time? how great is that? its sad, not great. how about the "saddest generation"? how about the internment of all the japanese that lived in the united states at the time? i don't recall hearing about any german or italian internment camps. how about the general racism towards all the american peoples of color? sounds like the "racist generation" not the greatest. and as far as them doing anything special, anyone can follow orders and pull a trigger. any generation could have done the killing that they did. it didn't take anything special or great.

g o d and his minion.

this debate is so old to me now that it seems silly to think about it. but i realize that for you who have not traveled the road i walk upon it still seems fresh and relevant. i was in your shoes once and so i will say a few words on it.

there is no magical being up in the sky, in the earth, in the trees, or anywhere. these things were thought up by primitive peoples long ago to help explain how life worked. these are the same type of people that thought the earth was flat, that god's wrath caused disease, and that heaven rested upon the clouds. science taught us that the earth is round, that germs cause disease, and above the clouds there is mere empty space. so why are you still holding on to this antiquated idea of some magical being?

for one reason, science is not valued by your society and hence by you. if it were valued, you would be seeking rational and logical reasons for why things happen. if an idea could not be substantiated, it would be rejected. you can live your life by the rule of rationality and valid reasoning or by mysticism and fantasy but not both. if you choose to live not by valid reasoning then you accept every premise that is offered on whim alone. that an easter bunny exists may be just as valid to you as whether a god does or not. you do not care whether something can be proven so anything and everything may be valid to you.

you really must live your life based on provable ideas otherwise much chaos would ensue where anything and everything would be thought of as true based on whim. if you "believe" that jumping off a 500ft peak onto a rocky floor won't kill you then you are mistaken. not only are you incorrect in your assumption but your belief is not valid because it was based on whim and not on evidence. a belief is not valid unless it has quality evidence. your whim is meaningless. an opinion based on whim does not equal one based on evidence. with what little proof there is, you can not validly say a magical being exists. even if in 100 years it turns out that there is one, you'd be more correct to not believe in one today due to lack of current evidence.

what is the proof that there is a magical being? the bible was written by monks long after the stories in it took place. no one says the Aeneid or the Iliad are direct testaments of god so why is the bible any different? all three concern ancient magical stories involving gods that can be traced back to coincide with real events and real people and real places. a story book is not proof of the existence of a magical being. the Chronicles of Narnia do not prove that Narnia or Aslan exist do they? London is a real place mentioned in the series so does that prove that the whole thing must be true?

does the fact that a lot of people believe in a magical being prove the existence of one? at one time most people believed the world was flat and that the sun revolved around the earth. this did not make it so.

tradition is why you have your beliefs and traditions are just ideas that some ancestor long ago developed. they may have been valid at the time but you are following them blindly without testing whether they are still valid ideas or if they were ever valid at all.

another thing to consider is how corrupt religion is. it has been used from its beginning to manipulate people and to control them and to squeeze labor or money out of them. for goodness sakes look at all the jewelry and ornamentation and gold and gigantic buildings involved in religion. talk about *bling* *bling*. isn't a vow of poverty part of some religions? to think that all that money and labor is used on extravagance instead of helping the parishioners or anyone in need. that alone should make you think twice. and the molestations by priests and their subsequent coverups speak for themselves. there is nothing holy or godly about religion unless your god likes fondling children and has platinum plated teeth. and yes i am focusing on the catholic church here. it is definitely the worst offender of the bunch in terms of scandal, extravagance, corruption, and maybe even mass murder. many people have been killed in the name of the catholic church. the crusades were bloody, the native peoples of south america and mexico were wiped out in the name of god for being godless savages by the spanish explorers, etc. but do not think the other religions are all peaches and roses. most have corrupt parts and have in some way been used to manipulate the masses. even modern buddhism in a lot of countries has been mutated from its original message. you know the buddha would not want statues of himself around or to be worshipped like a god. people just form religion around their own local customs.

another consideration is that we are mere animals with active imaginations. we have the ability to fantasize and conjure up all this nonsense about magical beings. what sounds more reasonable to you... that a magical being created us and rules our lives and deaths or that we have active imaginations and pretend all this magic is true? we love rituals and feeling comforted. we create imaginary friends as children to fulfill the need for comfort. we even pretend that our pets and stuffed animals and dolls communicate with us on magical levels. so of course we are going to invent some story about a magical being that created us and watches over us. if you took a baby and dropped it alone on an island you can guarantee that he will make up some sort of simplistic religion complete with rituals.

many people have many different images of what that magical being is and what it can do. what makes you right? why is your image better or more correct than theirs? if everyone has a different idea then doesn't it seem like they all made it up? shouldn't there be exact similarities? does that "being" love one people more than another in order to give them the correct view? it just doesn't fit.

haven't you seen that almost everything we now know has a scientific explanation? more things than you even know have been readily explained. you don't know about them because your people do not value science to the degree that they should. just look at how many people in a semi-educated society believe in a magical being and to what degree compared to those living in a more primitive society. the trend is that the more educated you are, the less likely you believe in a magical being and to a lesser degree if you do. once you find out more about how the world works and where you as a human came from you will confidently see that there is no magic.

so on this blind date show, this 35 year old pharmaceutical salesman is set up on a multi-day date aboard a cruise ship with a 23 year old Penthouse model. he does not know what her occupation is when they meet but he thinks she is very beautiful. she says she is a model and leaves it at that. one of their first activities is him taking photos of her while she poses. they talk to one another and they get along fine. day two comes around and they go bikini shopping for her because she needs a bathing suit. she models some of the bikinis for him and at one point comes out naked and jokingly says that she could go to the beach like this. at the beach she asks him if he minds if she can lay out topless. he didn't mind. while they were laying out she hands him a Penthouse magazine with her picture on the cover. he is a little taken-a-back to learn she is a Penthouse model. he says that he meant what he said earlier about her being a sweet girl and he said he meant it from the bottom of his heart. he told her that he was happy to get to know her as a person first. he then takes photos of her in her bikini bottom as she sensually poses on the rocks at the beach. in a separate interview he said he would have sex with her if it came up and that he couldn't wait to tell his friends back home about his date. on their last night while they waited to be seated at dinner they have a conversation about orgasms. while at their dinner table she asks him if he would go to the bathroom with her to engage in some activity. she told him to come into the ladies room but he wouldn't go so she took him into the men's room and closed the door and what happens next is left to the imagination of the viewer.

a lot of people live their lives out as cliches or stereotypes. if you label yourself then this applies to you. for instance, if you say you are a [insert ethnic group, religious group, or geographical region here] then you are most likely living out a stereotype. you say, do, and think things that are typical of your group. you may think you have some individuality but choosing butter instead of cream cheese on your bagel is not good enough. the whole deal of being part of a group like that is sharing ideas, languages, clothing, secret hand shakes, etc. you want to be a stereotype. you want to be like everyone else and wear the same jackets and use the same hip lingo.

a better world consists of individuals. you and your groups have shed more blood in the name of your group than anything else. you are the ones mass murdering and also the ones being mass murdered. you are intolerant of those not in your group. you say you are proud to be a [insert ethnic group, religious group, or geographical region here] or that you are patriotic. you might as well be waving a confederate flag and wearing an all white robe with pointed hat. you are exclusionary and intolerant and prefer your own kind. try thinking for yourself and developing ideas based on fact and reasoning instead of tradition and group think.

yes this grouping up is a human legacy. power rests in groups and those that did not group were annihilated by those that did thus evolution makes us group up. but this is outdated. we are expected to get along and cooperate. we cannot if we are so factionalized.

people that hate do not have a well developed sense of empathy. with empathy, one can see and think and feel as someone else and then realize that the other person is just like them. they can realize why the other person acts the way they do and can understand them. it is hard to hate when you no longer think of the other person as some inhuman beast that wants to get you. in war-time, governments often dehumanize the enemy through propaganda to make people and soldiers hate their enemy. they will compare the enemy to vermin, diseases, etc because it is hard to kill a fellow thinking, feeling human compared to a dirty disease infested rat. we would be a very peaceful society of people if empathy was highly valued. always look at things from other people's point of view and it will clear up why they act the way they do and say what they say.

patriotism is a divisive way to think. patriotism is just another way to group people up into nice neat hateable portions. patriotism leads to wars and all the horror they entail.

any amount of patriotism is divisive. it creates an "us" and a "them". and whenever you get an "us" and a "them" there is a potential for trouble. with no "us" or "them" there would be no one to bomb. there would be no borders to dispute. there would be nothing but individual people. mass hatred, mass killing, mass discrimination could not exist.

any amount of patriotism sets you apart from a whole group of other people just waiting for a reason hate you.

"why isn't the suicide rate higher?"

natural selection would not allow it. those that have trouble killing themselves are the ones left to breed and create the next generation. the ones that can kill themselves do not breed because they are dead and with them dies the ability to kill one's self. people have found ways of coping and thus survived to create the next generation. dealing with tragedy and sadness is built into you.

the world is far less confusing when you realize our origins. it explains why we are the way we are. you may not like it though because you were taught that we humans are not animals and that we are superior to that. it was a lie and a fairy tale though. we are just mere animals with their same instinctual desires. we do have the potential to act on a more evolved level than animals though. we can control our instincts but it takes practice and a lot of learning. people are not usually taught what their natural tendencies are or how to control them. they are left to figure them out for themselves and that is why we live in such a duality. some people are nothing more than animals living by their instincts while others live more evolved lives by controlling their instincts and not murdering or having sex or stealing or lying whenever the desire strikes them.

in your life and your dealings with people remember that everyday is what is most important. you shouldn't be living from weekend to weekend or vacation to vacation. everyday should be a day you enjoy and not one that you just survive through in order to make it to the weekend. why put up with just surviving?

you little hairless monkey! you were given the ability to alter your surroundings and what do you do? you let that ability stay dormant and do nothing to facilitate a wondrous and fantastic life for yourself and others. you might as well re-grow all your body hair and return to the jungle from whence you came.

do you really think that everyone just loves the crappy life they are leading? lead the way and they will follow. oh sure there will be the ones with something to lose who will try to stop you. they lead lives full of delusion and gain wealth through the exploitation of others. they will try and keep their wealth and their slaves. but you were given the ability to overcome great odds and you can if you want to.

rise up oh hairless apes!! educate your brother and lend him your hand. throw off your slave masters and create for yourselves a life as you were meant to live and free from the bonds of oppression.

and in conclusion, make everyday a pleasant and enjoyable one. it is within your ability.

you will be ready to marry another person...
(in no particular order)

when the other's feelings are as precious as your own and this is a shared sentiment.

when you can both control your tempers.

when you agree on money and where to get it and how to save it and how to spend it. a lot of issues will revolve around money so this is a crucial point even though it may not seem like it in the beginning.

when you believe that marriage is not about an elaborate ceromony but is about the day-to-day living that comes after it.

when you believe that marriage is not about child production but is about living and planning and working with someone else for the rest of your life. children are only part of a marriage and should not be its foundation.

when you agree on who cleans what and how often.

when you have regularly planned times to interact and communicate and have fun together. i.e. daily discussions at dinner-time, after-dinner walks, planned weekend outings, etc.

when you believe that open and honest communication is the foundation of any successful relationship. you will also actively facilitate a frequent and open and honest dialogue with your mate.

when you believe that resentment is the poison of relationships and you will actively pursue a path of least resentment and will actively work through any that you have for your partner.

when you agree on the quantity of children you will produce and how they will be raised and what they will be taught.

when you agree on where you will live and in what type of dwelling. you should also decide how the rooms will be used and who will decorate what.

when you agree on where and when your food will come from. will one be a dedicated cook? who will shop? what will you eat? will the dedicated cook be able to take breaks and if so where will the food come from? how often will you eat out?

when you have your "romantic" life worked out and have open and honest discussions about it and are satisfied with it.

when you no longer hide anything from your intended spouse.

when your intended spouse is a treasured friend.

when your intended spouse is top of your loyalty list and no one comes before them.

when you trust your intended spouse enough to give them your utmost loyalty.

when you agree on what movies and televesion shows you will watch.

when you can talk and have talked for hours at a time about anything and everything with one another.

when you understand each other.

were you ever in awe of the american indians of yester-year and the revere they had for the land and the animals? they thought of natural resources as treasures not to be exploited but to be used with care. wanna know why they came to that conclusion? because their ancestors wiped out most of the animals that used to be in north america. this continent used to be teeming with large animals which are only found in other parts of the world now. the fossil evidence supports this. and not coincidentally, this mass extinction of animals from this continent occurred exactly when humans began to settle in this continent. so is it any wonder that people made so populous with plentiful sources food became conservationists when they finally killed off their main source of food?

any species left unchecked will eat and multiply until it wipes out its own food supply. that is what happens to deer now and why hunters justify themselves by saying that they are thinning the herd so that the deer do not starve to death. the deer used to have natural predators to thin them out. we humans have nothing to check us from multiplying beyond a reasonable level. disease has been the only thing that has come close to thinning us out but even it cannot keep us at reasonable levels. it is even for our own good because conditions will only get worse. we are suffering because we are so crowded. imagine an end to the starving children around the world and the deplorable conditions that they live in if only the population levels would drop to an acceptable level. there would be greener pastures for all.

it has been a mistake to apply our medicines so recklessly. we have created a living dead. many modern old people are near mindless drones living from dosage to dosage. many people barely living are kept alive for sentimental reasons. many small third world villages contain half dead and starving people kept alive by small rations of donated food but have nothing to make them prosper and be truly alive. we are saving people all over the world from death only to put them into purgatory. a place where they are not dead but neither are they really alive. in our quest to always preserve life we have done more to harm it than to preserve it.

death is as part of life as being born is. accept this and cherish it and don't run away from it. you cannot stop it and the more you try, the more you mutate life and make it a horrible thing.

how life began

why is there life in the first place you ask? i'd say it really has a lot to do with evolution. in evolution, mutations happen that are either beneficial or detrimental to the mutated organism's ability to survive and breed. if it survives and breeds better than the other members of its species than its mutation lives on. and obviously if its mutation is detrimental it does not survive into the next generation.

on earth long ago some chemistry started to happen in the soupy mixture that covered the planet. a little bit of this and a little of that mixed together and formed a simple little thinga-ma-do-dad. in fact, this mixture probably made a lot of thinga-ma-do-dads of all different sorts. but as easy as this, only the thinga-ma-do-dads that could replicate themselves went on to make more of themselves. all the other lumps stayed lumps and eventually disintegrated back into soup. but for the thinga-ma-do-dads that could replicate themselves they too eventually disintegrated back into the soup but before they did they tried to leave a copy of themselves.

why did they want to leave a copy of themselves? it was just the way their mixture worked. some mixtures make glowing light sources, some make tastey sweet breads, and others just happened to make copies of themselves. it is just a random thing.

but these copies were not always perfect. the imperfect parts of the copy were mutations. these mutations either helped or hindered the thinga-ma-do-dad. these mutations eventually led to more complex thinga-ma-do-dads. different thinga-ma-do-dads even had different mutations that worked out to its advantage. thus came different species of thinga-ma-do-dads. some were good at one thing while another was good at another thing. so on and on this went with imperfect copies either being successful or not.

and so here we are today just mutations of some thinga-ma-do-dad that was created when something floating around in the primordial stew bumped into and mixed with some other glop floating around. or more simply stated... "you put your chocolate in my peanut butter!! you put your peanut butter on my chocolate!! two great tastes that taste great together."

did you ever think about how we have a digestive tract that starts at the mouth and ends at the anus and it is essentially one long tube? so you could theoretically put a high pressure hose at either end and water would shoot out the opposite end. of course there are muscles designed to close off portions of the tube along the way but with enough pressure or a muscle relaxant they should not be too much of a problem. don't try this at home though but it is something to think about.

i think you're right, i would spend hours telling people exactly what they are doing wrong if only they'd listen and appreciate it. i know it's neither a pleasant nor proper thing to do but i have such an urge. "don't think of it like that, think of it like this..." or "no no no you're going about it the wrong way, you have to..."

oh you simple beasts how i'd shape you into the humans that you so want to be. crafting and carving you into the perfect little sculptures that you were taught to believe in. just tie these strings to your arms and legs and let your puppet master work his magic. and in the end, a real human boy will you be.

but a stubborn creature you are. fighting and tearing away my strings. obey me beast and i shall tame thy unruly heart. i will create in you a being more human than the half-breed you are now. i know where the beast in you lies and i shall pluck it by its very claws and set your treasured humanity free from its primordial bonds.

you see, i was told that i am not an animal. and so i have practiced and learned to not be one. i saw the beast in me and suppressed it. but without constant vigilance, the beast will return. i know where the beast hides and i know what stirs it. you do not know these things and hence are a half-beast. it erupts from you and controls you and you let it because you think it is you. it is not you, it is a set of pre-defined programs that are set to react to the given stimuli.

you are but beasts acting the part of humans. you don't know where your beastly self ends and your evolved self begins. the two are separate and you must learn to separate them in order to live the life you evolved for.

brushing teeth and flossing

a long time ago before the invention of sweets and baked goods, we humans did not have many teeth problems. how many squirrels do you see at the dentist? none? then why should we humans be any different? only because we altered our diet from what we were designed to eat.

starchy and sugary carbohydrates are your main cause of teeth problems. if you ate raw veggies and meat then you would not have to worry about your teeth. ancient people that are dug up today have nice teeth and so could we but we trade-off healthy teeth for starchy and sugary foods which are calorie dense, inexpensive, and tasty.

to combat this assault on our teeth we need to brush off the particles of sugar and starch that stick to our teeth or else they will be used as a food source for bacteria which emits an acid end-product which causes holes in our teeth. flossing is also used to get between the teeth where a standard toothbrush can't reach. we must brush and floss right after we eat because the bacteria goes to work quickly to eat away the sugars in our mouth and produce acid.

guide to meeting girls on the internet:
[this is for male humans only. females and non-humans can read but for entertainment purposes only.]

ask them about themselves. get them to open up to you by asking personal questions about their lives and their interests. be interested and sincere and follow up on things that interest you and that you have in common. once opened up, get them to talk about their thoughts on love and relationships. they will already feel a bond with you from the earlier questioning. what talking about love and relationships will do is get them thinking about love and a relationship with you. the time span on this depends. i have seen it done in an afternoon all the way to a few weeks and all the way to a few months. you have to feel it out.

this technique will work and has been tested many times. not all of them followed through on but the signs were there. yes it is formulaic but realize that we are simple creatures when you really break it down. also, i hope this helps show how love is not magical and belongs in the realm of fairy tales only. it can be called up on demand... i guarantee it.

when i was learning all this stuff i did it with pure intentions. i really did think love was real and something i needed. my style of conversation just happened to be the right style for creating "love". it even fooled me before i realized what was happening. i then got infected by the love virus and when it went sour i had to find it again and again hence the multiple tests and proof that it works. it took years to get over that whole fiasco. was it better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? no. i wish i knew more about what i was getting myself into. it was like starting crack cocaine. it makes you addicted. find a friend and be happy is my advice to you.

how was i misguided when i first started internet "chatting"? well like a lot of the people out there i went looking for love. yes i grew up like you and had that damn notion of love and the perfect mate and yadda yadda. i figured finding the perfect mate would be the answer to all my prayers. damn stupid fairy tales. not ever really talking to people for long durations growing up was a disadvantage for me when it came to chatting.

i didn't really have practice in the art of conversation. i stumbled around a bit and found that when i focused on learning about the other person i kept both me and the other person partly entertained. i used it as research to find out about people and people are narcissistic and like to answer questions about themselves. it was a good match. i mean it didn't always work because some people get suspicious or distrustful when questioned so much. but for the most part it did work. oh and there is one more thing i got out of it. i only talked to the opposite sex and you could say it also served as a bit of an interview to see if they would be a suitable mate. sneaky eh? but also remember i knew enough about my own gender through myself and the interactions i had with them in school. it was the opposite gender that i was intrigued with. plus my hormones made me interested in them.

and so it went, i questioned and they answered. i learned a lot. and you know what happened? well guess what happens when someone tells you all about themselves... what they think and feel and how they grew up and what their life is like. can you guess? well they feel really close and connected with the person they told these things to. and so what happens when two love starved individuals get together and form such bonds? yes they fall in love. stupid, fake, fantasyland style love. and yes i rinsed and repeated this process a few times to know the truth in it. it took me those many times to finally figure out that it was all a fantasy. i never tried to manipulate people by going through that question and answer style process. it just happened. i mean today i'd know what would happen but i didn't back then.

yes it was online love, but to those in it, it was the only love they had and real enough to them. just think of it as back it the day when people fell in love through letter writing. seems perfectly reasonable and romantic right? and with chatting it was about the person and who they were not what they looked like. i'd say it has better potential to find a match because i spent hours everyday talking to someone. we didn't spend them fondling and making-out like real dating. those people barely know anything about one another beyond how "hot" the other looks.

but looking for love in any way, be it online or in a club, is going to be a bad situation. it is like searching for the easter bunny. you'll think you saw him but he was never really there. he doesn't exist so it is a fruitless search. always look for a companion i.e. a friend. find someone who makes it easier for you to get through your day. someone to talk to and who will listen and care. someone who you want to listen to as well. find someone compatible with your thoughts and your likes. "love" can blind you from seeing how incompatible you really are. "hey we have nothing in common but we love each other" does not last long. it will fail miserably. i got blinded and burned. just find a friend that is compatible.

i set out to find a loyal friend and mate. i thought who would make a better loyal friend than a mate. there would be no one to stand in between us like the other's mate if we were just friends. we would be friend and mate all in one. but i got blinded and did not see the incompatibilities. don't let "love" blind you.

thoughts of a rejected human:
as you may or may not have gathered, i grew up a rejected human. i did not have anyone to hang out with after school and spent a lot of my time watching tv and thinking. i did want to hang out with people but i didn't have anyone to hangout with. my parents were no help and were isolationists themselves to an extent meaning they did not really hang out with other people that much.

i did start to feel rejected by other humans. so what does this rejection do to a human? for one thing it led to thoughts of racism. not on their part but mine. since i was rejected i had to prop up my ego in some way. i had to feel that i was better than someone. it sort of worked and gave me some sort of esteem and answer for why no one liked me... that they were inferior. "but didn't you grow up in an ethnically non-diverse town" you say? well yes so i had to tell myself that people with brown eyes were not really white. i never did anything anti-brown eyed. i just used it as a means to feel superior. today i have changed my thinking to a more correct view. i mean i never really believed the racism all the way anyway. i knew i'd give it up one day. i now understand a lot about racism and about people.

another common thought pattern i had to deal with was a desire to become an assassin. i suppose this stemmed from the anger i had at people in general. i never really wanted to kill one particular person. i would practice with weapons but not guns as i was not allowed to have any. i liked the martial arts a lot and liked ninjas before they were a fad. all this sort of faded in high school. i still like the martial arts to a degree though.

probably from late elementary school to the end of high school i used to try and give off a persona that was slightly "crazy". this was a protection mechanism so that no one would pick on me. i'd say it worked. i never even had to really prove myself. enough people saw mild acts of proof to carry on my reputation for me. my family background also helped in this too as one of them made the papers for something he did. because of this "act" i did, i never really believe most people that are "crazy". i know there is a scared little person inside that they are trying to protect with their crazy persona.

another thing i did, starting in junior high, was to lift weights. this was another protection mechanism. i wanted to be bigger and stronger so that no one would pick on me. it, like the "crazy" thing, worked. unfortunately i was a bit on the short side of stature so it did not work to the degree one would like but supplemented with a bit of "crazy" it did its job.

one other common thing was the desire for people to talk to me. i really liked it when people would go out of their way and say something to me and treat me like a regular person. if someone said something to me i would sit there the following days and hope they talked to me again. i'd even be a little happier throughout the day and think "gee i hope this person talks to me today". if they didn't that day i'd still be a little hopeful. all i wanted was a little pat on my head and some attention and all my fear and anger would dissipate. i would of been a loyal and caring friend if given the opportunity.

so there is a slice of life for those that didn't grow up that way. you see that not having friends is a bad situation. i have overcome a lot of that stuff probably thanks to the internet and "chatting". i met a few people and developed an ability to actually communicate with people. i am still better at "chatting" than i am at actually talking since i never talked all that much growing up. chatting was difficult at first too but i eventually developed a knack for it. it is a lot more free than talking and it was my shield as i learned to communicate with people. i was a bit misguided though and i will talk about that later.