thoughts of a rejected human:
as you may or may not have gathered, i grew up a rejected human. i did not have anyone to hang out with after school and spent a lot of my time watching tv and thinking. i did want to hang out with people but i didn't have anyone to hangout with. my parents were no help and were isolationists themselves to an extent meaning they did not really hang out with other people that much.

i did start to feel rejected by other humans. so what does this rejection do to a human? for one thing it led to thoughts of racism. not on their part but mine. since i was rejected i had to prop up my ego in some way. i had to feel that i was better than someone. it sort of worked and gave me some sort of esteem and answer for why no one liked me... that they were inferior. "but didn't you grow up in an ethnically non-diverse town" you say? well yes so i had to tell myself that people with brown eyes were not really white. i never did anything anti-brown eyed. i just used it as a means to feel superior. today i have changed my thinking to a more correct view. i mean i never really believed the racism all the way anyway. i knew i'd give it up one day. i now understand a lot about racism and about people.

another common thought pattern i had to deal with was a desire to become an assassin. i suppose this stemmed from the anger i had at people in general. i never really wanted to kill one particular person. i would practice with weapons but not guns as i was not allowed to have any. i liked the martial arts a lot and liked ninjas before they were a fad. all this sort of faded in high school. i still like the martial arts to a degree though.

probably from late elementary school to the end of high school i used to try and give off a persona that was slightly "crazy". this was a protection mechanism so that no one would pick on me. i'd say it worked. i never even had to really prove myself. enough people saw mild acts of proof to carry on my reputation for me. my family background also helped in this too as one of them made the papers for something he did. because of this "act" i did, i never really believe most people that are "crazy". i know there is a scared little person inside that they are trying to protect with their crazy persona.

another thing i did, starting in junior high, was to lift weights. this was another protection mechanism. i wanted to be bigger and stronger so that no one would pick on me. it, like the "crazy" thing, worked. unfortunately i was a bit on the short side of stature so it did not work to the degree one would like but supplemented with a bit of "crazy" it did its job.

one other common thing was the desire for people to talk to me. i really liked it when people would go out of their way and say something to me and treat me like a regular person. if someone said something to me i would sit there the following days and hope they talked to me again. i'd even be a little happier throughout the day and think "gee i hope this person talks to me today". if they didn't that day i'd still be a little hopeful. all i wanted was a little pat on my head and some attention and all my fear and anger would dissipate. i would of been a loyal and caring friend if given the opportunity.

so there is a slice of life for those that didn't grow up that way. you see that not having friends is a bad situation. i have overcome a lot of that stuff probably thanks to the internet and "chatting". i met a few people and developed an ability to actually communicate with people. i am still better at "chatting" than i am at actually talking since i never talked all that much growing up. chatting was difficult at first too but i eventually developed a knack for it. it is a lot more free than talking and it was my shield as i learned to communicate with people. i was a bit misguided though and i will talk about that later.